Back to Before the BeginningMay 12, 2022
I found that wrapper tapped into one of the pages of the journal that I found these words in. Back before it all started, it had already begun...
It's so hard to pin point where it all started. I guess thats probably because its something that started in my soul long before I learned to listen. It manifested in attempts to be someone I was not and to fit myself into boxes that were way too small.
I was looking for the journal I wrote in during my first yoga teacher training because thats where my mind had decided i'd finally woken up. But what I found was a journal from years prior. Reading it back to myself I could hear the whispers of my soul starting to peak through. And then I remembered a moment in time.
It was shortly after Lee and I got married. I was working overnights at Stony Brook and he was working long days painting. We were spending the first year of marriage like we had spent the last year of engagement, passing each other in the wind.
I was miserable and he would do anything to see me smile. I whole heartedly hated working overnights but, that felt weak to admit. I was so unhappy in my hard earned nursing career but, admitting that felt like failure too.
I did the thing.
Followed the plan.
Checked all of the boxes.
Degree, Job, Husband, House.
That was the formula that we were taught and I worked really freaking hard to make sure I got it "right". Why wasn't it all adding up to happily ever after?
Couple all of that with being riddled in debt from my 7+ years in college and nursing school and cue the anxiety.
"Is this it?"
"Is this what I've worked so hard for?"
"Is this what being an adult has to feel like?"
I started looking around at the adults in my life and wondering if any of them were truly happy? Did any of them feel free? Were any of them completely fulfilled by the lives they were living or had they just checked all the boxes and settled into what they ended up with?
My journal entries through that year are spotty. From what I remember I was somewhere in between knowing that there had to be more to life & drowning in the depression and anxiety of not knowing how to get out.
"I think i've done a lot more thinking this year, a lot more reflecting, & a lot more growing. As always a work in progress but that just defines life I guess. Lee and I have done a good amount of mapping out the way we believe we'd like our future to unfold (check us out manifesting before we knew what manifesting was). I feel like I am starting to really find myself. Or at least more of who I really want to be. I care a lot less about what people think of me (lol little did I know how DEEP that wound would go). That's always been a huge hurdle for me. I believe it goes hand in hand with growing into my own & finding a true sense of self confidence & self love. Now that I'm thinking about it I'm not sure I've ever really felt either of those things. It's such a simple concept that has always proven so hard to implement."
I knew that in order to keep moving towards this "more of me" feeling, I had to start shedding whatever was suffocating it. I quit my first nursing job to become a travel nurse. Thinking more money & more time off would solve my problems. It solved some of them for a while and guided us on some of the most incredible adventures we have been on thus far.
But that choice was just the beginning.
My anxiety would get a lot worse before it got better. I would find and lose myself over and over again in the waves. Desperately trying to break free from the current of societal standards & the expectations my subconscious had accepted as "the only way".
But even when my mind didn't know where I was headed. Re-reading these words now, I could hear it in my soul back then, I was already on my way.
"I have my first travel shift tomorrow in Queens (my first careful step out without actually moving anywhere at all). I'll be making more money for less time, which I know now is something that is so precious to me. In the extra time off and between I am going to dedicate more time to the other pieces of me. The yogi, the reader, the writer, the wife, my mental and physical health. I want to spend more time on the things that set my soul on fire" (holy shit I used that saying back then too).
This was about a year before I'd even recognize that I was moving through a spiritual awakening, and two years before I'd ever dare to admit it. But going back to these pages, to these thoughts, & these feelings, I already knew, I always knew.
& if you're reading this, and you feel yourself within these words, you probably know it too.
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